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Jokes corner: Iam glad im Kenyan, lakini…. writes Njoroge!

Posted by African Press International on December 21, 2006

(Jokes corner!) 

Njoroge writes:

I’m glad im Kenyan, lakini…

Only Kenyans……

  1. Are engaged for 5 years or more
  2. Never bother to divorce, they just separate
  3. Are late to church, work, and everything else, EXCEPT when the disco is free before 9pm
  4. Refer to diabetes as “SUGAR”
  5. Show up at weddings, showers, graduation, birthday parties with a new outfit on with nails and hair done but no gift
  6. In relation to #5, they eat like parking boys and take a plate home
  7. Consider “clubbing” or “henging” as a monthly expense
  8. Leave bills (instead of insurance money) behind for surviving relatives
  9. Borrow money for a wedding
  10. Have mothers who can use curse words and religion ALL IN ONE SENTENCE e.g. “Lord, give me strength because  I’m about to knock the hell out of this child
  11. Spend the car insurance money on everything EXCEPT getting the dent fixed.
  12. Invite co-workers and all their friends to their child’s 1st birthday party which happens to have a professional DJ with only about 3 kids (including the child) in attendance. And then expect the guests to “changa” for the bash.
  13. Start every sentences with “Me I…” e.g. ME I donno why you are saying that I always say “Me I”.
  14. Say “Spend” when they are staying the night elsewhere from home, e.g. “Are you going to spend at her place?”
  15. Put in iron rods in all windows and main doors….referring to themas “Burglar proof”
  16. Use “Ngai” as an exclamation mark e.g. “Ngai, what are you doing?”
  17. Believe “Ati” is an English word for “What?”
  18. Think it is cool to drink and drive and get away with it “I don’t know how I got home that day… the way I was soo drunk!”
  19. Think all their economic and social problems are caused by “Moi” when in fact some have never been to school.
  20. Pack up all their earthly goods to go to “shaggs” for a week in December, only to pack them all back again after one week and return to “Tao”
  21. Call travelling “flying out” e.g. She flew out (no one seems to wonder where all these Kenyans fly to)
  22. Think that taking clerical job in a company is better and “cooler” than toiling in their parents’ family business.
  23. Prefer washing cars and dishes in USA to toiling in their 20-acre tea farms in Kenya.
  24. Call their homes “at ours”. e.g., “At ours, we eat Githeri every day.
  25. Complain for five years about poor governance and corruption then vote in the same clowns back to parliament.
  26. Have a chief Justice who has no law degree!
  27. Go on strike for one day and expect the gvt. to resign!
  28. Sit back in their homes and expect their MP to “brins Development”
  29. Refuse to insure against anything and expect you to bankroll them when calamity strikes…. thro’ Harambee.
  30. Sit calmly and sometimes cheer as a mad man drives them in a ramshackle at breakneck speed to certain death.
  31. Drive with their windows  wound up when they get to city centre because of 4-year-old brats armed with human feaces, and still claim to be free people!

Sounds so true, eh? I hope you are still Kenyan by All standards! Me, I am Kenyan Damu, but do I say!!

 ___________________

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8 Responses to “Jokes corner: Iam glad im Kenyan, lakini…. writes Njoroge!”

  1. Ian monte said

    Kenyans wil alwayz be kenyans.

    Like this

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  3. sagnamaina said

    Reblogged this on Sagnamaina's Blog.

    Like this

  4. hahahaha!

    Like this

  5. mwimbi murithi frankline said

    thiz a very nyce aticle that deserves a marvelous aword.shud i be the president of diz country a can dearly award diz article coz itz really catching.thex to the writterz.keep up .u got the talent that most of the people lack

    Like this

  6. Joel said

    hot

    Like this

  7. Joel said

    vry gud

    Like this

  8. additional tips on how to distinguish a Kenyan from other nationalities.

    *** be with a neighbor or a friend all day, but send a child in the evening to him/ her requesting a ‘small soft loan’ ( which in Greek/Latin/Sanscrit means it’s not repayable ;
    ***chew on a long tooth pick after eating a solitary mandazi or half a loaf washed down with pipe water to give an impression the lunch was spare ribs and fried rice;
    ***address people half ones age: Mzee or Mamee;
    ***perpetually have zero balance in the phone a/c and send flash calls to be called back;
    ***if a civil servant, be ‘in a meeting all day on working days;
    ***be in the office working hard invisibly by hanging the same jacket on the back of the chair;
    ***be in the bar in the evenings without fail which ones well endowed friends frequent;
    ***use ‘whereby’ weather it’s appropriate in a sentence or not;
    ***use ‘can be able to’ , ‘no anything’ , ‘despite of’ in the meanings of ‘be able to’ , ‘nothing’ , and ‘in spite of’
    ***be seen in a suit (often in a 3 piece one) for example in the sweltering heat of Mombasa attending a presidential function – this goes for PSs, MPs, Ministers, too.
    ***buy a car on bank loan and forget servicing it until the engine oil turns into solid grease;
    ***entrust the car with jua-kali mechanics than with established ones;
    ***stalling the car in a busy city street if in order if it is due to an empty fuel tank;
    ***firmly believe that ones MP/Minister has problems with KACC because of his/her tribe;
    ***believe that car safety belts are for traffic cops’ protection;
    *** heap ones plate to the brim hoping to consume all but discards enough for two hungry Kenyans;
    ***trust that he/she is immune to AIDS virus whether a condom is used or not;
    ***believe the women in the oldest profession should also give you grace time to pay for services rendered.( If they don’t beat them up)
    ***believe in keeping children away from home during vacations by offering teachers financial inducements to conduct ‘revision classes’;
    *** believe the last bill to pay or that can be evaded all together is school fees;
    ***if possible, be a stranger to the school principal and deal with any issues by remote control (using uncles or aunts of the child);
    ***believe there is nothing like a ‘last date’;
    ***drop in the church on the way to the pub;
    ***believe the more the wives and the more girlfriends, the merrier irrespective of income to support them;
    **believe the best architects of proper character for kids are teachers. So one arrives home very late after they sleep and leaves very early before they wake up……..(also to have the stabilizing shot at the local brewer);
    ***believe that loved ones can’t graduate or one we love can’t embark or disembark a plane without the whole village in the graduation square or a multitude milling around the departure/arrival area of the airport; (if in doubt check and find out how many MPs followed the Okambo-6 to the Hague or how many saw them off at JKIA).
    ***believe in the dictum ‘no hurry in Africa’ as far as burials are concerned and therefore explore the possibility of creating a court case regarding a dispute as a priority;
    ***

    I am a Kenyan, but no other other tips come to mind. I’m sure you will recognize me as Kenyan because I am bound to do one or more of the above as a habit. Bear with me.

    Like this

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