Dear Comrade Brother and Guide,
I hope this will find you in good health in some tunnel in the vast Libyan desert, away from the prying eyes of the NATO imperialists.
I was pained to hear an outrageous suggestion by some bloke you might consider self termination to avoid falling into enemy hands. I know you will not do such an abominable thing by taking away what Allah blessed you with.
Nevertheless, should you reach that conclusion, I humbly submit to you some choices as follows:
HANGING: Most popular among the destitutes, .the terminally ill, the jilted and the cucolded. Caution should be taken in selecting the rope, its size and the knot, failing which though you may die, it will be long and painful. One discouraging aspect is that the victim invariably defecates and urinates at the time of breathing the last. But you are not going to hear any derisive comments of the mortuary attendants.
DROWNING: In this case you need a heavy object, say a grinding stone tied to the neck to forestall any urge to swim to safety.
POISON: Effective if of good quality and potency. Potassium Cyanide is the best. It has a pleasant aroma, but the taste can be either Sweet or Sour because who tried to reveal the taste for posterity could write only ‘S’. They dropped dead before they could say ‘Insh’Allah’. Better not try pesticides that might fail if uncouth neighbors rush you to a hospital.
ELECTROCUTION: Make sure of uninterrupted power supply. For this reason venues in third world countries including Kenya can’t be trusted.. Do it standing without footware on a wet floor. It’s not a nice experience till you die, you are warned.
JUMPING AND SKY-DIVING: Confront the momentum of a speeding car/bus/truck/train head on. Unlucky fellows, sometimes, fail miserably. You can as well try to benefit from free earth’s gravity by jumping from a very high rise building. You must be aware of possible factors intervening like an open truck transporting cotton bales to a ginnery or suppying foam mattresses to a local outlet, to be in the exact position where you are landing.
BLEEDING: A very popular way with financially crashed billionairs, victims of online scams, failing film stars and other elites in dire straits. The aftermath is messy but let the janitor do his job. For facilitation down a few double pegs of whisky before slitting the wrist.
SLEEPING TABS: Decent, clean and silent. Just slide into a blissful sleep
and snuff yourself out of this cruel world. Where to get them? Go to the ever willing to assist back street chemists.
FIRE ARM: Shoot yourself into smithereens. Aim at middle point of the brow that’s between the eyes, left or right or back of the head, inside mouth, the neck, under the chin or the heart. This is a royal way to end ones life.
RATTLE A CAMEL OR AN ELEPHANT : Look for one in the heat, lactating, or searching for a mate and perform a dance in front. If you choose the back side, mind you, in case you survive, you may be rendered useless to the female species for the rest of your life. Wading through the Mara river during lean months is another idea worth considering.
RATTLE A COBRA: If you are lucky, a single bite will dispatch yo to the nether world. The death is not smooth and pleasant according to Cleopatra who used an asp instead of a cobra.
DIVE: Empty a swimming pool and dive from the diving board. Success is not fully guaranteed.
AIR DIVE: Take your favorite plane to at least 10000 ft, switch-off engine(s), dump the key and wait for the the thud. Another noble way to die.
CRASH: Crash your car at 150 – 200 kmph on to a concrete wall. Always choose a Japanese model that will resemble a ball of metal after the hit. Almost fool proof.
GASSING: Try carbon monoxide, helium,argon, nitrogen. Of these the first one is more practical. Light a charcoal brazer, close the windows and the door, and go to sleep. However, some copious amounts of booze is recommended to steady the nerves.
SEPPUKU: The ancient Japanese art of self termination. The subject uses a short sword to stab himself in the stomach, and a trusted friend standing by finishes off the ceremony with severing the head. You may try this if you are a fan of the Japanese traditions, and have a friend who doesn’t swoon on seeing blood. The last time on record it was practiced in 1970 by one Yukio Mishima.
STROLLING: In most parts of the world, one can’t commit suicide by strolling. But in Somalia it can. The death can come in the form of AK-47s, rockets, grenades and stones. Another is Kenya, especially its towns and cities. Those who have suicidal tendencies may try their luck on Kirinyaga Road, River Road, Githurai. and in and around slums. Be available especially at night and early mornings. Act and look a man of means looking for a twilight girl. Instead you can try defying a traffic police order to stop, or have an encounter with our “Mboys’ on night patrol. Or go to a Mungiki den and abuse Uhuru Kenyatta and Muthaura. The result will be positive but I’m afraid they don’t use guns, but clubs and machetes only.
I have done my part. It’s your choice now.
If you find all of the above obnoxious, please walk into Ocampo’s office. He will take care of the rest. Short of not being permitted to go out of the spacious compound, any ICC detention facility is the envy of prisons world over. Boarding, lodging, recreation, etc. are world class. Conjugal rights are respected. What else does a deposed dictator need?
Think it over, sir.
Your loyal comrade.